Lets start by looking at a well known nursery rhyme which leads us into the reality of bereavement.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the kings horses and all the kings men, couldnt put Humpty together again.

Bereavement is a Humpty Dumpty situation. Nothing can be done about it. The one thing that most people want cannot happen, the dead cannot be brought back to life. As front line professionals in our work with children we are there whether we like it or not. A child who is bereaved is another human being whose emotions impact on her daily life. Just as the school staff bring their feelings over the school threshold so do the children. You dont have to be a therapist to help, you just have to be a caring human being.

A word here about loss. As well as bereavement. This also incldues talking about loss through separation, divorce, illness, mental health difficulties of a family member and circumstantial losses around displacement suffered by refugee and asylum seeking families or individuals.

The origins of the words human and therapyhelp us to see our commonality.Human originated from Late Middle English humaine.

Humane is having or showing compassion or benevolence. Therapy - from the Greek therapeia healing.

As human beings we share physical characteristics: we are all born, grow and learn. We also share emotions such as joy, love, fear and sadness. Whilst we clearly have different life experiences we have the basic needs that Maslow describes in his Hierarchy of Needs.

It is this shared nature if being human that enables all of us to help a grieving child, you dont have to be a Therapist, with a capital T, in order to be part of the healing process. What you need to be is a humane being, with an e at the end!

Fear of Emotions - Grief is the price we pay for love.
Without attachment there would be no sense of loss.

One area that worries front line workers is the strength of children and young peoples emotions when they experience loss. Also, they dont want to make things worse. Well, when you think about it, can you really make matters worse when the worst has already happened? Here are some comments from young people:

Childrens Voices on Being Bereaved (Quotes taken from the Child Bereavement Trust)

Sarah 15. Her father died in a car crash: Angry things kept buzzing in my mind. When youre a teenager, just when everythings starting to happen in your life then it is reduced to cinders suddenly. I felt guilty because of this anger, and just continue and manage these big things at the same time. Then I felt I must protect my mother and brother because they needed me.

Helen, 14.I didnt feel anything for the first three months. For the next 6 to 8 months I couldnt really handle myself or my feelings. Then after that it took me a long time and a lot of tears but I managed to calm down. Ever since then its been like a long road up a hill.

In terms of emotional response expect sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, fear, relief and emotional flatness. In other words, be prepared for anything and be prepared to be surprised. Dont assume anything.

What about teachers responses? Some teachers were good and some couldnt care less.

Lozzies sister was stillborn:I was told off for losing a book. I started crying and thinking about Chloe and the teacher goes, Oh, you dont have to be that sad just because youve lost someone.

Obviously, all teachers will respond in their own unique way however we need to show some empathy. Think about this situation: what might you do if someone you knew died? Not a close relative or an intimate friend, but a cared for colleague. Maybe you would:

Send a card to offer condolences,Maybe visit if you thought that was appropriate, Ask if there is anything you can do to help, Ask if there is anything you can do regarding her return to work. Does she want you to tell other colleagues?

Your response is not about being a therapist, it is being a friend, a caring human being. We can do the same for our pupils who are bereaved.

Interestingly, Carl Rogers, the founder of Client Centred Counselling, said that when people are in distress the first person they need is a friend. If friends were unavailable or couldnt cope or the situation was too complex then she might need a counsellor.

Bereavement is a natural part of life; it is not a medical condition, it is not a pathology, it is not a mental illness. As such it means that we all have a part to play in helping, it is not a case of bring on the therapists and the counsellors, rather do what you can to support another person going through a distressing life event. It will happen to us all sooner or later.

How can you help in a Humpty Dumpty situation?

Remember no one can bring Humpty Dumpty back to life, but all those who are left behind grieve and feel helpless, feel they should have been able to do something. They tried but nothing could change what had happened. The ones who are left behind are the ones who may need help and support.So, what can we do to help?

Listen, listen and listen some more, stay with the questions that have no answers, Be there, Allow the pain, confusion, grief and anger,Reassure that feelings are normal and will eventually pass, Be non-judgemental.

Children need to have their feelings received without judgement or criticism, Continue to be available, not just immediately afterwards but for as long as it takes.

Recognise that grieving doesnt have time boundaries, it takes as long as it takes.

Ask the pupil to tell you if they feel alone or upset and agree some form of support e.g. quiet time in the library or reading corner.

What about you in the midst of all this?

As teachers you have time constraints, targets to meet, other children to teach and many diverse responsibilities. However, there are simple things that you can do which value the child and help him through a time of enormous impact and, whilst doing that, cherish yourself

Recognise your own experiences of loss may be re-awakened. Seek support from colleagues if you are unsure about what to do, Understand that at times you will feel inadequate or hopeless but remember youre not a magician who can make things better with the flick of a wand. You are a human being who can be there to offer whatever you can of your own positive self.

Those who work with children and young people, who see them on a daily basis make an enormous difference by being humane, compassionate and sensitive to the needs of the children in your care.

You dont have to be a therapist to help, you can do it by being a human being!

Brenda Mallon M.Ed., has an independent counselling practice in Manchester and runs bereavement training courses throughout Britain on building core counselling skills, increasing awareness of young peoples mental health and young people. Visit http://www.brendamallon.com/

[tags]bereavement training courses, counselling skills, mental health difficulties, young people, children[/tags]