Every year, thousands of people decide to get a divorce. Unfortunately, very few of them have any real insight into the thunderous transformation that is about to unfold, despite their attempts to get advice from friends and family. It’s to be expected, given that most people who get divorced have never done it before - they’re divorce rookies.

So, what happens? Well, most divorce rookies will do their best with the knowledge that they do have, and in doing so, they will make the same mistakes that most other divorce rookies make. An insightful few will then seek out information and advice that will take them through a learning curve, and will complete it in enough time to finish the divorce race well.

Those insightful few are the lucky ones who will be able to avoid these common mistakes. The trick is to find out NOW, at the beginning of the divorce process, that there is a learning curve that will teach you how to go through the divorce process and the radical transformation with as little financial, time and emotional cost as possible.

So, here are the 7 common mistakes that divorce rookies make so that you can avoid them and become one of the insightful few that can have the most productive and effective divorce possible.

1. Divorce rookies ask “But why?” a lot.

Here are some examples, “But why do I have to pay alimony if my spouse is the one who caused and who wants the divorce?” “But why does my spouse get away with not filing financial papers and I am forced to complete all this stuff?” “But why does my spouse get away with lying when I have to be truthful?” “But why would the Court even think about giving my spouse what he/she wants after it hears what I have to say?”

All of these “but why” questions are really statements of emotion. The real statements of emotion are: “I am ANGRY that I have to pay alimony when I don’t even want this divorce.” “I am RESENTFUL that I have to fill out this paperwork and my spouse takes the lazy way out as usual.” “I am UPSET that my spouse is not held accountable for his/her lying.”

“But why” questions (and its cousin, “I just don’t understand why …”) are the cause of tens of thousands of unnecessary attorney fees. And, as there is never a good answer to a “but why” question (because it’s really a statement of emotion), the divorce client is never satisfied with the attorney’s given answer. And that means that the client continues to spend valuable emotional energy in the divorce litigation because the emotion is never resolved.

2. Divorce rookies are in denial that the big issue in the marriage will not get resolved in the divorce.

If the spouse was financially irresponsible during the marriage, then he/she is going to be rewarded for being financially irresponsible in the divorce. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. Here’s an example:

The future ex-spouse continually ran up tens of thousands of dollars on credit card debt despite your budget’s inability to handle it, and despite numerous pay-offs and credit card shredding episodes. Well, the existing debt is probably still going to get divided 50/50 (unless it was spent on gambling or on a paramour). And, the future ex-spouse is probably going to be given a lot more “slack” in getting their act together than the divorce rookie would like. And, the future ex-spouse is still going to get 50% of the house, despite the divorce rookie’s desire to get refunded the $50,000.00 of inheritance that was used to pay-off the credit card debt two years ago.

The divorce settlement or the divorce trial is just not going to “right” the “wrongs” that happened during the marriage.

3. Divorce rookies compare the settlement proposals against what they think is fair rather than what a judge will do at the end of trial.

In the end, there’s only one way to evaluate a divorce settlement proposal, and that is: “How does this settlement compare to what I will likely get at trial, given the expenditure of time, money and energy that is involved in getting that trial order?”

Any other divorce settlement evaluation formula is flawed, and is probably emotion-centered. So often, hundreds of dollars in attorney fees are spent getting a divorce client to shift their focus from being on their emotional responses to the divorce settlement proposal, to being on the likely trial outcome.

4. Divorce rookies focus their attention on what their future ex-spouse is doing and wants.

Thinking or saying these examples means that a divorce rookie is about to sabotage his/her own divorce process: “I just know he/she will never let me have that.” “He/she will hit the roof if I ask for that.” “You wouldn’t believe what he/she said/did this weekend!” “I can’t take my spouse’s refusal to negotiate anymore!”

On the other hand, when divorcing people focus on themselves and what they want, they’re in healthy, positive, constructive divorce process territory. For example, “Whether or not my spouse takes this divorce seriously is up to him/her. I’m going to work and focus on my plan.” It all gets back to the “Serenity Prayer” - do what’s in your control, and let go of the rest.

5. Divorce rookies can say what they DON’T want much easier than what they DO want.

Did the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team (the one that beat the dominating, long-standing world champion USSR team to win the Olympic gold medal) focus on the USSR losing? Or, did they focus on the US winning? It’s the same principle.

A divorcing person needs to be able to articulate, and then envision and focus on, his/her ideal settlement picture. If all that fills a divorce rookie’s mind are statements and images of unwanted outcomes and fears, then he/she is sure to go around in circles until a clear image emerges.

6. Divorce rookies refuse to insert stress-busters into their lives (and the lives of their children).

Divorce is extremely stressful. But, so was the marital road that led to this divorce. So, that means that there’s been years of stress, and now there will be even greater stress. Given that fact, it makes sense that divorcing people need to insert stress-busters into their life, not only to survive, but in fact to get the best divorce resolution possible.

And, if children are involved, those children really haven’t seen their parents laugh in ages. So, start laughing around the children - and with them.

Divorce rookies that arm themselves with stress-busters are easy to spot. They’re the ones who have a divorce vision and plan, and are diligently and joyfully pursuing that vision and plan. They’re the ones that all the other divorce rookies are jealous of.

7. Divorce rookies say “I know this, BUT.”

Just like anything else, there is a path from the head to the heart and the muscles and thus, the habits. Someone can know something in intellectually, and still find it difficult to act on it. If someone is aware of these common mistakes and is practicing applying more constructive solutions, then all they need to do is keep practicing; this common mistake doesn’t apply to them.

This divorce rookie mistake is really about the divorcing person who refuses to embrace the legal and divorce transformation wisdom that they don’t want to hear. Somehow they believe their divorce settlement and post-divorce life will be better if they stay in denial.

In fact, nothing could be farther from the truth. These are the divorce rookies who will spend the most money, get the settlement that really doesn’t help them move forward in their uniquely personal way, and end up being the most miserable.

Theresa A. Markham, Esq. is the author of Shark Bait - What Every Divorce Rookie Needs to Know ebook, and is a divorce attorney in NW NJ. She offers the eBook and other helpful divorce info at www.DivorceSharkBait.com.

[tags]divorce,ebook,shark bait,rookie,process,lawyer,attorney fees,mistakes[/tags]